I woke up today with the astounding realization that I have merely three days to wait before I hear about the fellowship. Not The Fellowship of the Ring, the BPL Children's Writer in Residence fellowship.
I'm trying not to care too much, but my heart actually quakes a bit whenever I think about it. Poor lil heart. It can hardly take it.
And speaking of hearts, our favorite Three-Hearted Fool, Shane Tamika Colligan, has this park named after him in Wellsville, NY. The dedication is on his birthday, July 3rd. In Wellsville. Which is not a bustling metropolis, not easy to get to, no major hotels nearby. I could fly into Buffalo and stay with my favorite David, Doktor Blouin. Or I could go to Rochester and stay with Teenie or my friend Leah and drive down with someone. I could Amtrak, Greyhound, Segway... many options.
Maybe by then I will have used my Masshealth for the powers of Good, gotten myself some therapy, organized my finances just so. Or maybe I'll dig a little hole, per usual, and pretend that none of it is happening.
I'm still feeling like a BIG ASS about Leah and her cancer craziness. A mantra runs through my crowded brain, fairly often, and it goes like this: "Be a better friend. Be a better friend. Be a better friend."
Perhaps it's not sinking in? Why am I so hesitant to throw myself into the loving arms of my St. Bonaventure friends? Why was I so freaked out by the sound of Leah's voice when she called the other week? Why, oh WHY, does a reunion with Shane's friends feel like an impending and terrifying torture?
I know I'm being childish. I'm caught between this sort of defiant, possessive emotion, a kind of "but Shane was MINE" feeling, that keeps me from sharing my memories of him with other friends who knew him. At the same time there's this squishy, ultra-vulnerable, perhaps partially rotted piece of me, this VERY childish part of me, that whimpers something more like, "None of you were here. None of you could help me when I needed it. I won't let you help me now."
My solution, and I admit it's a flawed plan, is to pretend to have a strength that's actually beyond my capabilities. For everything. For my nerves regarding singing, the fellowship, anything having to do with Shane, my family... It goes directly against my self-imposed law that I should be more honest. What's my deal?
Don't answer that.
3 comments:
I'm checking daily to read about the fellowship!!
I finally had the guts to check the BPL website, where I was informed that Jane LeGrow, of Sandwich MA, won the fellowship.
Boo to the Associates of the BPL. What a crappy way to find out I'm a loser. Plegh.
Nothing to stop you from writing your book anyway and becoming wildly famous! You just need to find some means of hypnotising the baby for several hours at a time so that you can work. Got a pocketwatch?
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