JoBiv is the worst friend EVOR

I always tell myself that my many tics and fears don't affect other people much. They mostly have to do with me, what I think of myself, how I try to control what I don't like about myself... They don't all make that much sense, but at least they don't harm other people, right?

But then there's this stupid phone thing. I tell myself that it's okay that I email people back when they leave phone messages, but do I always remember? Of course not. By the time I get to a computer, my time is too short to remember all of the things I need to do. I've written reminders, of course, but those just seem to end up in the washing machine, leaving pulpy little messes where useful information used to be.

I'm trying to tell you that I have been a horrible, terrible, insensitive friend because of my fear of the phone. My friend Leah from St. Bona's called a while ago, left a message even (though I don't remember this), and I didn't get in touch with her. She didn't want to tell me over the phone that she had thyroid cancer. How did I find this out? I answered the phone without screening, for once, because I assumed it was Sarah buzzing to get into the apartment, two minutes after she'd called to say she was at Liquors Foods.

Somehow, through my momentary panic at having been forced into phone contact with a completely unexpected person, I was able to be a friend to Leah, ask her about her experience, find out how she's doing, etc. I somehow conquered my rising self-loathing long enough to say, "JoBiv, this is not about you right now."

And try to tell me that THIS isn't ridiculous; this whole episode made me even more skittish with the phone, instead of steeling my resolve to be better about it. I'm at the point where every time the phone rings, my stomach and my throat tighten at the same time and I feel like if I can relax my throat I might hurl.

I know it won't do any good to hate myself for this, but hate I do.