Lil Pea has been sick for the last week or so. First there were fevers and seriously bad moods, and now she has a rash and a fierce need for snuggling. The Baby Mama diagnosed it as something... some childhood disease that hits kids in the springtime and isn't a big deal.
It struck me again today, this thing I think of when I'm comforting children. Lil Pea didn't want to sit in her high chair or lie on her playmat and roll around, or sit in her saucer thinger. She wanted me to hold her. She would fuss a little, unconvincingly, then bury her face in my neck, easing as I cooed to her and rubbed her back. She would fake a baby dive toward a toy or her bottle, then come right back up for another cuddle, smushing her nose against my shoulder.
As I kissed the curls on her forehead, I felt my body ease. I felt suddenly aware that my body and mind are strong for HER and whatever SHE needs. Finding these strengths in myself is a remarkable thing. On the lowest days, I can at least remember this - that the smallest gestures of my days with this baby are gestures of strength.
And on days when I am on the verge of tears, when I am desperate for some answer to my anxieties, when I need some kind soothing, rocking her, singing to her, stroking her hair and easing her into sleep transforms me. Even on the most exhausting days, soothing her soothes me.
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