in which I am a naked fish.

All the movements of my life add up to minutiae. The more I flail, the smaller the ripples become, each collision bearing tinier ripples.

I used to have the same daymare over and over when I was living in my parents' house. I would be sitting at dinner, trying to tell them something I deemed important. They'd contradict me or shush me and then I'd have this daymare. I would see them trying to eat, and their forks would turn blazing red with heat, melting their hands to the handles. I would try to warn them as the metal began to glow. I would scream but had no voice. Their hands would begin to shake, their muscles straining to keep the fork from attacking their chests. If I could just make a sound, they would be okay. My throat would close up... in the daymare, in real life. I had that same terrifying dream on Friday with my father.

He called me Thursday, asking for me to come out to Milford and use the hotel pool and jacuzzi, make a day of "partying" with him (read "drinking"). I told him I was free Friday night but wanted to stay local. Long story short, we spent three hours in his car, with his Masshole/Dad hybrid style of a driving, getting lost due to contradicting my directions, eventually eating at a Naked Fish in Natick.

Again, he gave his weird drink request before we were completely seated at our table. I don't remember the particulars. The basic concept: liquor, straight, but not so straight that you'll only serve me a shot of it. Thank you very much.

Although the conversation was painful at this point, I ordered dessert, knowing full well he had to drive me home, then himself to his hotel. During dessert he told me his plans for a trip to Orlando he'd planned for him and mom. He works once a month, then spends it before the month is out.

My throat just aches. It has to go away soon. This is only holiday homecoming aftermath, after all. I just feel so tiny and ineffectual right now. I feel invisible, insulated... I hate the worry lines etching deeper and deeper between my eyebrows.