Johanna Donwanna

(Calling me this name is a clear invitation for a physical attack. Don't try it.)

I'm feeling ornery lately. Things are just a bit frustrating and I don't feel like fighting the good fight. Besides Symptoms Aplenty, there's this proposal to put together and to run past Bloomers and Cathie. I just don't feel capable. And of course I'm working for the Baby Mama on my usual days off this week, the week when I could actually use the time more productively.

I got a call from Sus, a package from Miss Sarah, a call from Meredith Reed O'Donnell (love how she leaves the whole name on the machine) and an email from Christi. I call all of these people my friends, and yet have I gotten back in touch with any of them? Of course not. Because I suck. And an email from the big U. I should not have the same jagged feeling in my stomach with my friends as I do with him, but it definitely feels the same. I donwanna donwanna donwanna. Usually I donwanna because I don't feel like I have any good news to share. If you've noticed, I actually DO have good news - singing, this writer-in-residence thingie, nannying going well, choir... And I would love to know what's going on in these people's lives as well. Okay, so the phone is intimidating, but is email so hard? What the hell is your problem, JoBiv??

I think a lot of this petulance comes from anxiety about this writer-in-residence thingie. If I get it, does that mean I'll actually write this damn book? And then what... people will read it? But it might suck! People, it could really suck! I've never written a book before, who the hell do I think I am?? Why am I any better than any other jerk who applies for this thing? I'm not, I'm clueless, I'm inconsistent, I'm panicky, I'm inefficient, easily distracted, unorganized, forgetful, and not to mention I'm a HUGE coward. With reason! I have never written anything that I couldn't find fault with later. And then I edit it, and then even later I still find something else that is so elementally wrong that I want to throw the whole thing out.

Websites for help on writing book proposals say that you should have a section about the author, why you're the best person, the ONLY person, who could write this book. You can imagine the searing whiteness of the currently blank page.